NTTS: Interviews
by kowaidesuka
Summary: There's one thing we are certain of in this world- and that is that Twilight sucks. Now, fictional characters know. I interview them for their opinions on the Twilight Saga. Hate-fic, so flames are welcome. Don't like, don't read.
1. The Golden Trio Visits

**A/N: So, I read the Twilight series. And it sucked. Badly. A bajillion ideas were better than Stephanie Meyer's botched creation. So I decided to write a hate-fic. It's basically me interviewing fictional characters from books/TV series on their opinion on the Twilight Saga. **

**First up, The Golden Trio from the bestselling series, Harry Potter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, fortunately. I don't own HP either, unfortunately.**

**Claimer: I do own this story, however. And NTTS- Notion That Twilight Sucks.**

**Rating: T, coz of potty mouth Ron and his 'bloodys'**

Chapter 1: Harry Potter

Me: *walks out from the side* Hello, and welcome to NTTS: Interviews! I'm Dancing and I'll be your host for tonight!

*cue applause from Antis and boos from Twihards*

Me: Now, the purpose of this show is to point out Twilight's flaws from a fictional character's point of view. I know that the authors and rightful owners of them would be disgraced at Twilight as well, but I don't know any of them personally, so I decided to pick their characters to represent them!

*more applause mixed with booing*

Me: Okay, that's enough. So, let's give it up for our very first guests, the Golden Trio who defeated the dark lord, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger!

*Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk out and sit on couch that magically appeared*

Me: Welcome to the show, guys. As the British say, "How do you do?"

Hermione: Actually, we don't really say that. You must have been watching too much TV about our muggle stereotypes. But thank you, and I'm very good, thanks.

Harry: Fine. Though practicing for this interview, on top of taking care of three kids and catching Death Eaters, I'm pretty tired out.

Ron: I found an extra freckle on my face today.

Me: Interesting. Not. So, have all of you read the whole series

Hermione: Yes. After a week.

Harry: I'm halfway through Breaking Dawn.

Ron: I finished the first book and couldn't be arsed to read the rest.

Hermione: Really, Ron, your language is atrocious.

Me: Yeah, you potty-mouth.

Ron: Why does everyone gang up on me?

Me: You're the Ginger Kid, like Edward Cullen. Which brings me to a few questions I have to ask you.

Hermione: Makes sense. After all, this is an interview.

Me: Right. Well, what was your opinion of the first book?

Harry: Well, it started out fine, with Bella being all noble and in mortal danger- I know how that feels like –but then it became a whole sickening love story between Bella and that vampire, Edward, with all the other characters pushed aside.

Ron: And _I_ know how that feels.

Harry: Yes. And then it suddenly became something nobody could relate to. No-one could sympathise with the main character, Bella. I mean, you can't have true love, bang, just like that.

Hermione: Following up on Harry's 'true love' reasoning, may I point out that the only two reasons why Edward falls in love with her is that a) he can't read her mind, and b) Bella's blood is sweet.

Me: True dat.

Ron: And the first 200 pages were full of mystery about Edward Cullen, and who he really is and all that. But the back cover says, right in the second sentence, that he was a vampire. Just like that. Blimey, Steph Meyer is pretty ignorant for a muggle author who 'supposedly' graduated from school.

Hermione: Personally, I think she skipped that day in English when they said, "if the first 200 pages of your novel relied on a main character's true colours being hidden, don't just slap on the back cover that he's a vampire".

Me: You've given us a lot to think about, guys. What about the second book?

Ron: What about it? I haven't read it. I have seen the cover though. That's one weird-looking flower, and that's coming from a guy who grew bubotubers in Herbology.

Hermione: *rolls eyes* Ron, haven't you ever heard of the phrase, "Don't judge a book by its cover"?

Ron: *silence, for once*

Hermione: Anyways, the second book, was, if possible, worse than the first book. It starts with Bella whining about how she's eighteen and Edward's seventeen.

Me: Technically, he's over 100. Which is EW x a million. It'd be like Dumbledore humping Susan Bones.

Everyone: *shudders at the mental image*

Ron: My eyes are burning! Bloody hell!

Harry: Then Bella being depressed for 4 months. Which was kind of a downer.

Hermione: You forgotten the poorly written party scene.

Harry: Oh, yeah. Jasper going crazy over a little blood, then the whole family disappearing. Again. Like in the whole of the first book.

Me: _Then _Bella being depressed.

Hermione: And then she hangs out with Jacob Black, a minor character from the first book. I kind of feel a bit sorry for him.

Harry: Then he turned out to be a werewolf.

Me: A pedo werewolf, you mean.

Hermione: That comment's reserved for the fourth book.

Ron: Oh, now I remember, I flipped through a few pages of the second book.

Me: Which part?

Ron: The part where they fight the Volturi. Though you could hardly call it fighting.

Me: Tell me about it. All they did was torture little Eddykins. And that is why I love all of them.

Hermione: There was a certain charisma about them.

Me: Yep. Now, folks, we're running out of time, so we'll wrap up the evening with this question: What are the differences between Twilight and Harry Potter that makes the latter better?

Harry: The main thing was me changing throughout the series. From a normal boy to one of the greatest wizards of all time. The characters in Twilight didn't change one bit. Bella turned into a vampire at the end-

Ron: She did? Blimey, I would've thought she died at the end, then Edward and Jacob would realise their love for each other and hook up at her funeral.

Me: You're kidding, right? This is Twilight we're talking about. No real plot.

Harry: _Like I said_, Bella turned into a vampire at the end. And she didn't change. Her personality didn't change, anyway.

Hermione: And our books were much more complex. The plot, the characters, everything. Voldemort wasn't just some guy we had to kill. He had a past we had to decipher.

Ron: And the motives behind acts by them were really messed up.

Me: I definitely agree with you guys. And next time on NTTS: Interviews, we shall have another trio on here! Well, it's more of a gang, but-

Cameraman: Get on with it!!!

Me: Basically, next time, we shall have the PJO gang here! See ya, and good night all!

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... that's a wrap! Hope you guys like it! Well, the Antis will probably like it. **

**Like I said, next time, it shall be the characters from Percy Jackson and the Olympians! More laughs, more criticizing, and plenty of Edward dissing!**


	2. Interview with the PJO Gang

**A/N: I've got a number of people saying that technically, this isn't a story, because it's in script form. Well, several other members here have written stories in the same format that have been published several years ago, and they haven't been punished. So there's a new rule: Don't like, don't read. But to those who complained, I composed a little tale below.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, fortunately. I don't own Percy Jackson and the Olympians either.**

**Claimer: I do own this story, however. And NTTS- Notion That Twilight Sucks.**

**Rating: T, because of mild adult themes, mild coarse language, and moi being a nutcase.**

Chapter 2: PJO

Me: Hello, and welcome back to NTTS: Interviews!

*Twitards boo and Antis cheer*

Cameraman: Shut up, you youngins'!

Me: Shut up yourself, you old sot!

Percy: Hey, that insult was in my first book.

Me: Woops, I nearly forgot: please welcome our special guests for this show, Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, and Grover Underwood!

*Percy, Annabeth, and Grover walk out and sit on chair*

Me: But first, STORY TIME!!!!

**Story:**

**There was once a young girl called, at least on Fanfiction, DancingDruid'sEyes. One day, she picked up this interesting book at the library. "Ooh," she said. "It's about 400 pages long, and has an interesting cover. Must be a good read then." So she borrowed it, using her library card, and brought it home. It was forgotten for a little while, but then on a boring rainy day, she decided, "What the heck, I should just read it." So she did. First chapter, second chapter, third, etc. Until before she knew it, she finished the whole book. And what was the first thing she thought when she finished it?**

Grover: Bunnies are scary?

Me: Hush, Grover.

**The answer: "Boy, this Twilight book really sucked. Now what's for dinner?"**

**Then she decided to read the three sequels to Twilight, thinking, "Well, the sequel might be loads better, coz book sequels are always like that, right? RIGHT?"**

**She finished the whole series. And she was mad. Mad at Bella, mad at Edward, mad at stinking Steph Meyer who couldn't write jack shit. But everyone around her was saying, "No, no, something must be very wrong with you. Why would you hate Twilight? It's the best thing since sliced bread!!!!!" And when she asked why they liked Twilight, they said, "Like OMG!!!! Are you serious????? Edward is ssssssssssssssssssssooo smokin', and Jacob is hot too! Bella is soooooooooo lucky to have both of them, and she is a role model to me!" And she was like, "WTF? Bella is an idiot! Jacob and Edward are creepy little pedos!"**

**Then... she discovered the ANTIS. They welcomed her with open arms and treated her like family. They spent their days laughing about Twilight and the obnoxious fangirls who bought the limited addition copy of the books. But they did other stuff too, like listening to music, playing sports, and reading Anne Rice books, talking to friends, contradicting what every Twitard accused them of: not having a life.**

**So, having renewed strength to fight the Twitards, she decided to make a hate-fic, sucking characters out of their various universes to make what is "NTTS: Interviews" today.**

Grover: *sniffle* That was very touching.

Me: I know. *blows nose* So, how are you guys doing?

Percy: That kid from the other interview looked like me.

Annabeth: No freaking duh, Seaweed Brain. That was Harry Potter.

Percy: Who?

Me: Hmm... guess you guys have only read Twilight, not HP.

Grover: *chews can nervously*

Me: Okay, let's get down to business. What was your opinion on the third book?

Percy: It was kinda corny...

Me: Like something Demeter would read?

*streak of light flashes across ceiling*

Percy: Yikes, was that lightning?

Annabeth: Don't insult the gods, Dancing.

Me: Wise Girl, that wasn't lightning. It was either the spiteful cameraman or one of the audience trying to scare me.

Cameraman: *cackles evilly while holding a mirror*

Me: Told ya. So, corny how?

Percy: Well, I have a confession to make. I didn't actually read the book. Dyslexia.

Me: Haha, told you, Grover! Hand over the dough, goat boy.

Grover: *grumbles but hands over 5 drachmas*

Percy: I searched it on Wikipedia and then read the summary for Eclipse after you asked us to read them. It didn't seem like a bad book. Then I searched it on the Twilight Wiki. Now those folks are what I call obsessive.

Me: Like _moi _with you guys. Hehehehehe...

Percy: Yeah... they even had a counter for how many days until the next movie. Anyways, the Wiki had a more detailed description, including something about some bookstore selling the books early to people who pre-ordered them. I mean, isn't that what "pre-ordering" is for? Giving books to people early because they paid early?

Annabeth: No, Percy, pre-ordering is when you pay for the book before it's released into bookstores. Gods, you're not as clueless as you seem. You're even more dense.

Me: Oh, Annabeth, you know you love him...

Random Girl from audience: XOXO, Gossip Girl!

Everyone else: *dead silence*

RG: Sorry, couldn't resist.

Grover: And then came the evil vampires. A whole army of them. That would have been terrifying, if Meyer wasn't the terrible action writer she was.

Annabeth: And then, surprise, surprise! Every one of the Cullens survived, no injuries at all! I mean, come on! I would have kicked those newborns' asses mucho quicker than those Meyerpires.

Me: Jacob was hurt though. Which was a bit wolf-ist, in my opinion.

Percy: What surprised me was a whole army came after Bella, who was just a normal human being. I mean, a whole army and the Time lord came after me, but I'm half-god.

Me: Ah, but here's where you're wrong, young pollywog.

Percy: ?????

Random Twitard: Ha! I always knew she was a nutcase! After all, she hates Twilight!!! TWILIGHT RULES B1ATCH!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!apple!!!!! EDWARD IS HAWT, NOT GAY!!! Ooh, Edward!! *squeals and faints*

Other Twitards: EDWARD!! WE NEED MOAR EDWARD!!!! *squeals and faints*

Me: Shuddup! Anyway, Bella isn't a normal human being. She's a Mary-Sue. A cardboard Mary-Sue who has a strange attraction to disco balls and washed-out white trash werewolves.

Random Anti: Well done, one of us. Hear hear!

Other Antis: Hear hear! One of us, one of us!

Annabeth: The ending was so clichéd. Bella accepts Edward's hand in marriage, and Jacob runs off, heartbroken.

Me: Not exactly the big cliché, but it still was quite an average ending. Oh, who am I kidding?! IT SUCKED!!! *takes out pen and uncaps it* *said pen turns to sword* *slashes sword around, chopping off most of Grover's fur*

Grover: Hey! Don't hate on the fuzz.

Me: Sorry. Had a minor tizz. *sits back down* Grover, I have a question. Who would you rather face against in a battle royale? Victoria and the Cullens, or a whole warren of bunnies?

Grover: Bla-ha-ha! *chokes on tin can* Maybe the bunnies...? They might be more forgiving.

Me: Er, wrong answer, Grover! Kill the sparkly shit! Bring it ON!!

Annabeth: Dancing's having another meltdown.

Me: No, I'm better now. Well, thank you guys for coming here.

Percy: Wait, what about Breaking Dawn?

Me: Oh, other characters are going to discuss that. Bye! *presses a button on a remote* *Annabeth, Percy, and Grover disappear in black hole*

Me: And now let's introduce three more characters from PJO. Please welcome Nico, Thalia, and Luke!

*Thalia, Luke and Nico appear; Twitards wake up*

Twitards: BOOOOOO!!!

Me: Oh Styx, they're awake again.

Luke: You know, if I were you, I'd kick them out.

Me: Well, if you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, I'd get plastic surgery to get rid of that ugly scar.

Luke: *sticks out tongue*

Me: Charming. So, how ya guys doing?

Thalia: Why do you always ask that if you already know how we're doing? After all, we're on loan from Rick. As the temporary author of us, you should know how we're feeling, being here. I for one, have to get back to hunting a boar in the middle of Virginia!

Me: Coz it's polite, Pinecone Face. Now answer the question, or I'll go into "nutcase mode" again!

Nico: Your cameraman is about to die. You overworked him.

Me: Yeah, not my fault. He wants to overwork to support his family!

Cameraman: No I don't! My family died years ago!

Me: Ignore him. Now, have you all read the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, or have you all searched it up on Wikipedia?

Thalia, Luke, and Nico: *shifty eyes and fidgeting*

Me: *sighs* Well, what have you found out?

Luke: It had a lot of adult content in it. Things I'd like to do...

Me: ... with a certain daughter of Zeus.

Thalia: WTF? Ewwwwwwww, you're gross.

Luke: And then, all of a sudden, Bella has a baby! Not just a baby, a perfect one!

Nico: And then this BIG epic battle with the Volturi and those Vampire Eskimos, who are of course, perfect. But it wasn't big or epic. Because little Bella-Sue saved the day again with her magical vampire powers. And miraculously, none of the Cullens died. Just one of the other vampires who dared upset the Cullens' happy perfect lives. Because the Cullens are too important and sparkly to kill! *glares at camera* That is SO not on, Meyer! If my sister and mother died, then why not one of the sparkle-pires?!

Me: Yeah, you have issues.

Nico: Like you're exactly sane.

Thalia: She's right, you know. All you need to add to that was "I will cherish the day you die, Stephenie Meyer." In a very creepy voice.

Luke: With death-glares. Lots and lots of death glares.

Me: Which is pretty easy, now that you think about it.

Thalia: And then the ending was Bella doing more dirty stuff with Edward, and Renesmee watching innocently.

Me: That's another thing: Renesmee's like a docile cow. A perfect docile cow. You can't have children like that!

Luke: Yeah, I know. Hating on your children much?

Nico: So in conclusion, Breaking Dawn was bullcrap. Can we go home now?

Me: Yep. I have no need for you now. *sends them back to camp*

Me: And now for the Stoll Bros to wrap the whole thing up!

Conner: Hey!

Travis: Hey!

Me: Hey guys! How are you doin'?

Travis: Just pulled another prank during Capture the Flag.

Conner: Yeah, it was AWESOME! But the Demter Cabin will probably come with pitchforks and torches when you send us back.

Me: I won't ask about it. So, what are some of the differences between Percy Jackson and Twilight?

Travis: For one thing, it has a plot.

Conner: For another thing, it has me in it, which makes it a billion times better.

Travis: It also has ME in it, which makes it a TRILLION times better.

Conner: Wonder why Meyer didn't put us in her books. It would definitely sell better.

Travis: You dummy, it's called "copyright". Rick called dibs on us ages ago.

Conner: Then why does she- *points at me* -have us here?

Me: *points at disclaimer*

Conner: Right. Travis, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Travis: No, I don't. I'm the smart one. I think about smart things, unlike you.

Conner: ...Shut up. Anyway, I was thinking of prank-calling Meyer and saying to her, "Hey Meyer, some village called. They want their idiot back."

Travis: And we would laugh at her while she screams at us.

Conner: Actually, only you would. I would run.

Me: Haha, count me in, guys. Next time on NTTS: Interviews, we will have the flock from Maximum Ride! Thank you for watching, and good night!

**Like I said, Maximum Ride and her flock will be here next time! ****More laughs, more criticizing, and plenty of Edward dissing next time!**


	3. AN IMPORTANT!

IMPORTANT: I'M DISCONTINUING MY STORY!

I'm sorry, guys, but I lost my plot bunny for this story, and it got ran over by a car. Besides, I have school, and other stuff, and other fanfics to write, and this one has just reached a dead end. And no, twitards, this is not an excuse to stop it because I've seen the error of my ways by mocking Twilight. It still sucks, and I still hate it.

However, I am willing to hand it over to someone else who is up for it, and they can write the continuation/sequelly type thing for it. You can use any characters from any fandom ever, as long as you diss Twilight.

Good luck in life,

GemonkDruid


End file.
